So This Is
by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio
Summary: The emotional spectrum of William Darcy - because still waters run deep.
1. Heartbreak

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 1: Heartbreak**

He had not thought love could feel this painful.

He didn't truly feel it at once though.

It was a dull sense of disbelief at first - did she really just reject him? - but then the feeling was quickly replaced by mortification mixed with righteous anger and he just couldn't help his brutal honesty as the vitriol continued. And yet, despite having seen them together before, he couldn't help the loathing that immediately infused him the moment his name was mentioned.

It didn't quite come close to the hatred he felt once he'd seen how much he'd been vilified in her videos however.

The letter had at first been written to strike back at her, written in the first passion of anger and disgust. However, barely was his first paragraph on paper that he forced himself to cool down. It was a long bike ride, another round of vlog replay, and four drafts later that he was able to compose himself enough for the finally legible letter. He considered himself tolerably calm and collected when he handed over his letter, when he submitted his report, and even when he booked his, Fitz and Brandon's flights out.

It wasn't until he was already halfway back to San Francisco with Fitz and Brandon chattering non-stop in the background that it truly hit him.

He was right, but so had she been. He had been proud and judgmental, but while he had been brutally honest with people around him, he hadn't been with himself. And because of himself and no one else (not even him) he had lost his chance with the only woman he had ever loved.

The woman he still loved, despite her own faults.

Perhaps he had even lost his chance forever.

His red rimmed eyes as he disembarked the plane were the only indication he showed to the world that he grieved the loss of her, even when she had never been his to lose. He kept the mourning private in his heart, and resolved right then that he might one day be a man who could have been worthy of her.

_- To Be Continued -_


	2. Numbness

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 2: Numbness**

He was back to going through the motions of everyday life. Meetings, lunches, debriefings, sleep. He never realised how mind-numbing it was until now. It was his coping mechanism, it was how he stayed sane in the dark days following his parents' deaths, with him suddenly the head of the Darcy family and business empire, totally unprepared for what he assumed he would have time to learn gradually from the ground up.

It was how he was staying sane now, in the aftermath of... her.

Forcing himself to block out the heartbreak caused by the one person he had wanted to let into his heart after being responsible for so long was draining, but he made himself remember her biting words to him, and tried, in spite of his low spirits, to enjoy the festivities with his close circle of family and friends in the weeks after that horrendous Halloween instead of retreating into his personal bubble and rebuffing everyone's kindness and love, like he did to disastrous effect during that wedding so long ago.

Thanksgiving passed well enough, even though it was the first time he was thrown back into the company of Caroline after he - and she - left Hunsford, a visit that had left him an enlightened man to the chicanery of the person he once thought as friend.

The easy friendship, bantering and sarcastic commentary were gone. She no longer played the damsel in distress or tried to recruit him for errands, which he was thankful for. They were both being very careful around each other whenever they were together, because he still appreciated Bing's friendship enough to tolerate his sister. Enough to put on a veneer of civility as they toasted and partied and dined together in the weeks before his annual ski trip with Gigi.

He was relieved when he was finally alone with Gigi at the ski cabin, out of the company of the forcefully cheerful Bing (he didn't like to dwell on it, but Bing's cheerfulness had somehow lost its easygoing charm after he left Meryton) and annoyingly chirpy Fitz. Skiing was something the Darcy siblings enjoyed, and it was... some form of escape. Courses to ski, concentration in the angles and slopes driving out thoughts other than successful navigation, exhaustion from the exercise meant they could blank themselves out just this once every year and not think about Pemberley, college, or failed romances.

Strange that despite this being a Darcy tradition he looked forward to in years passed, he found more solace and anticipation in waiting for her next vlog episode. Waited religiously every Monday and Thursday morning for her vlog to be uploaded on schedule, so that he could still feel some connection to her life, however whimsical that might be.

He was barely keeping himself together, but for her, he will. Fitting then, that she was his anchor to life, even if she would never know this.

_- To Be Continued -_


	3. Shock

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 3: Shock  
**

Courtesy of his being CEO, he was always informed of anything going on in all Pemberley offices. He therefore knew even before watching Lizzie's 76th video that she would be coming to Pemberley. Internal emails to the CEO's office had assured him of the arrangement.

It had been a shock at first, that Lizzie Bennet's name would appear anywhere near Pemberley, but then he recalled that she was under the tutelage of the best connected professor of Mass Comm this side of the coast. Hadn't he himself just received Gardiner's latest peer-reviewed article on hyper mediation, as forwarded by Reynolds to all executives?

He longed to see her, meet her, hear how she was doing. But for the first time in their short acquaintance, he forced himself to stop before he did something drastic, and tried looking at things from her point of view, instead of just his.

Would this make things awkward for her? Did she want to see him again? Beyond expressing regret at her misunderstanding on his actions towards... him... it was as if she was trying her best not to think or talk about him.

So he put another above himself, and resolved not to change his schedule no matter how much he wanted to plant himself at his San Francisco office and stay there for the duration of her shadowing. Besides, the Los Angeles office was in dire need of attention anyway (or so he was trying to convince himself), so surely he can survive the occasional board meeting in San Francisco without running into her once.

He reckoned without taking meddling, well-meaning sisters into the account.

Looking back, he should have been alerted by Gigi's uncharacteristic mysterious urgency, but he'd just been through a grueling and only partway productive board meeting, and just wanted a nice dinner and hopefully a catnap before he tried untangling the real, though not really catastrophic emergency necessitating his presence at the San Francisco office. He had hoped to resolve the affair before succumbing to his weakness of accidentally bumping into Lizzie.

Curse crazy baby sisters.

But having only seen her in the past weeks through the computer screen, he was overwhelmed by the sight of her standing in front of him. The beauty of her face, the fragrance that was uniquely hers, and - dear God - her voice speaking to him, saying his name in her panicky, one-octave-higher-than-usual voice. He was in raptures and agony. Nothing could have prepared him for this.

With effort did he calm himself down from the predicament Gigi put him in and endeavour to converse with her in a manner unlike his former presumption, and was gratified to see that she was at least as embarrassed as he. Still, he had to rein in his disappointment when she politely refused his offer of a ride. Perhaps it was too much too soon.

And then she touched his arm.

_- To Be Continued -_


	4. Hope

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 4: Hope  
**

She didn't dislike him anymore. But was the reverse true?

He tried not to run into her too often after learning that lesson at Netherfield. They could be living in the same house, sharing meals and exchanging words, but proximity didn't necessarily translate into intimacy. He knew, better than some, that one could stand interacting with a large crowd and yet feel utterly alone. He knew how one could feel a stranger to him despite being acquainted with him for years.

Yet he still found himself on her floor oftener than he usually visited when there was no Lizzie. While he was rewarded with a rare invitation into her world, where their first real conversation took place despite the guise of costume theatre, he hoped fervently that it wouldn't be his last, despite their past and that of their nearest and dearest still unsatisfactorily unresolved.

However, he was gratified that she wasn't deterred by the proverbial elephant in the room to extend and maintain her friendship with Gigi, in spite of who her brother was. He was glad that Lizzie was able to be there for Gigi in a way he didn't know how to. Under Lizzie's influence he had already seen how Gigi grew emotionally and was finally able to confront and begin to exorcise the ghost of her past. It had been a long year since the... incident... and seeing his baby sister finally being able to talk about it made him so proud.

He had never told anyone, but to see one of his dearest wishes gratified, of Gigi and Lizzie being able to love each other as friends (and, dare he hope, sisters?), gave him great joy when a bare month ago, he had given up hope of ever winning Lizzie, let alone introduce her to his sister.

Now, she didn't mind - and even enjoyed - an entire day spent together with them. An entire day where conversation didn't lapse into awkward silences once even without any help from well-meaning third parties. He thought then that maybe they were on the way to mending fences, especially after he received his first ever Tweet from her, thanking him for the day (even though Gigi was the one to actually engineer the trip).

Buoyed by the success of the weekend, he was thrilled to have a second chance to converse with her unchaperoned, that he set aside two quarterly reports and minutes to five board meetings to be able to attend her interview in person. He did have to make up for lost time by staying two extra hours at Pemberley that day, but he didn't mind. For the first time since that wedding, he had made her laugh, an unfettered, glorious peal of laughter he had only heard before when he was across the room looking in from afar on her group. The smiles and laughter he managed to draw from her were worth every ounce of the embarrassment caused by the strange looks from the wardrobe department staff where he invaded in search of the wig.

Perhaps she had changed her mind, or at least soften against him?

With a heart filled to bursting he picked up the phone, called the Golden Gate Theatre to secure two tickets, and prayed.

_- To Be Continued -_


	5. Fear

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 5: Fear  
**

_Tick... Tick... Tick..._

It was even worse than that last time.

The problem was a missing man, a countdown clock, and her haunted face in his memory.

Wickham had certainly planned this well. Everything he tried, he was met with dead ends. Wickham's previous swim team, the Las Vegas casino, even Novelty Exposure's registered address, all no-go. Fitz wasn't faring any better either with the cyberspace side of things. Blocked ISPs, private servers, and the lack of online trail.

Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

He was now as intimately connected to both Bennet sisters as the rest of the internet were. In his bid to glean as much information as possible, he did a marathon session of Lydia's videos in one night. It took him a herculean effort not to smash the screen when he saw how that bastard used his words to manipulate and emotionally abuse Lizzie's sister.

It had been all too easy to superimpose Gigi's face over Lydia's, and his heart bled all over again for WIckham's victims. Especially once he saw Lizzie's latest video.

_"He said you wouldn't understand. Can't you just be happy for me for once?"_

_''He would never... He loves me."_

_"This is a joke, right?"_

Goddamn that good-for-nothing rotten bastard to hell.

_Tick... Tick... Tick..._

But getting angry at him when the man couldn't be found was useless. So he set off by himself with a cold determination and his legal team on high alert to jump in at any moment and commence undoing the damage his negligence had done.

He was just starting to despair when, quite by chance, he was able to discover the identity of Mr Bennet's mysterious PI friend from school as one Edward Gardiner - who so happened was the husband of his father's good friend and Lizzie's professor, Dr Gardiner. The two men sat together in conference for longer than William had bargained for, with the younger being put through the wringer by the elder, before Mr Gardiner felt it was right to compare notes with the young man who was trying to save his wife's favourite student. (Mr Gardiner did find it strange that the young man's price had only been that whether he managed to find the "scumbag" in time, the Bennets are not to know of his involvement in the search, and that he, William Darcy, would bear all the costs that would've been charged to Mr Bennet for this "assignment")

And yet, Wickham was notorious for switching numbers every time he moved after he'd been in trouble of some sort. Who was to say that he hadn't changed his phone number since he'd decided to cut Lydia loose? Was this really still the correct number? If yes, why hadn't Wickham picked up his phone or messaged back yet?

He was exhausted. He couldn't remember the last time he had a proper meal after he left for Orange County. He was surviving on two-hour catnaps daily, because _what if something went down while he slept_?

But nothing did. And the countdown clock continued shrinking.

_Tick... Tick... Tick..._

Oh God, what if nothing he did bore fruit on time? What was going to happen to Lizzie's family? How would they survive this?

A loud beeping sounded, and hoping against hope he unlocked his phone screen.

_New Domino User: George Wickham, (562) 714 9490, Location: Santa Ana, Orange County, California._

He froze momentarily, uncomprehending... There were only three Domino users that he knew of. Himself, Fitz, and...

_No..._ What did she _do_? Was she even all right, after having to face him again? "Domino, call Gigi Darcy now!

_- To Be Continued -_


	6. Uncertainty

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 6: Uncertainty  
**

He didn't know what to think anymore.

After that... site was taken down, he was able to sort of enjoy watching her vlogs again. Her little sister was healing, her big sister was on her way to her happy ending (he wished he didn't feel jealous of Bing sometimes), and she too, was bouncing back to her usual self little by little.

He didn't think he would ever forget how she broke down publicly at her failure to safeguard her sister. He, of all people, knew how deep that guilt went.

And yet, while she was right to focus on Lydia, he was disappointed that it took Charlotte Lu for her to even talk about him again. Though not so much talk, as tried to hedge, avoid and stonewall the topic.

And she said they weren't friends.

With a pang, he knew that to be true. There was too much water under the bridge for them to fall back to the easy relationship she shared with Gigi or Fitz. He had thought - _hoped_ - that given time, they might eventually...

But then the incident happened, and they were left up in the air.

At least she no longer hated him, right? lf she did, she wouldn't have tried to avoid talking about him; she would have been the captain of the anti-Darcy brigade. He wished she hadn't found out the truth though. He didn't want her feelings coloured by a misplaced sense of gratitude. He did not think he could bear it if that became the summation of their relationship. He wanted her to love him as much as he loved her.

He almost did a spit-take when Caroline stormed her way into Lizzie's video. Incredulity gave way to... hope? Not only did she praise his company, Lizzie had also said that his life was his choice, and her life was hers. Was he reading too much into the fact that she'd quoted his own words during that ill-judged confession, that it was his choice to love her despite expectations by his aunt or even Caroline, and that it was her choice when she spent all that time at Pemberley together with him? She could've easily avoided him if she wanted to, despite Gigi's mechanisms. In fact, one word from her would have closed that potential door between them forever, but she didn't.

It was ironic that a small thing like time zone difference caused him to hit the panic button when her last video wasn't uploaded "on time". He should really have remembered that Chicago time was 2 hours ahead. It was her voice-mail that was reverberating through his head as he sat through the breakfast meeting willing for the clock to fast forward to lunch break so that he could conceivably excuse himself without jeopardising any sensitive, nervous potential clients to watch the episode for hints of the voice-mail's origins.

It was hard to know what he felt then. Was he happy? Nervous? Elated that she called for the first time since he programmed his private number into her phone? Nonplussed about the adorably awkward voicemail she left? Worried that it was more of a closure for her than a beginning?

Throughout his imaginings and panics, one thing was clear. She had made her move. The ball was now in his court.

Talking over the phones, not the same as talking to her in person. And he _wanted_ so much to see her again.

"Mrs Reynolds, postpone all non-urgent meetings after this negotiation and book me on the earliest flight to Longbourne, please."

Whatever the outcome of this gamble might be, he prayed for the strength to accept the inevitable fallout this time.

_- To Be Continued -_


	7. Love

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 7: Love  
**

She was kissing him.

_She was kissing him._

There was no way he could be interpreting this wrong, was there?

He was afraid to open his eyes lest this fantasy faded away, like all the others before it.

But it didn't. He awoke. And he saw, truly saw her eyes for the first time.

There was a saying that eyes are windows into the soul. It was only until today, until now, that he saw how true it was. Her eyes were the first of her features which arrested his attention to her. And now it came full circle.

If only he hadn't been so blinded by his own "superior" judgement before, he would've seen more behind her beautifully animated eyes and realised how particularly expressive they were. Observed past the liveliness to see the wounded pride, the thinly veiled disgust, and how she really wasn't playing hard-to-get at all.

He, who prided himself on his ability to read people, on being a successful CEO in a cutthroat, competitive business environment, was wrong three for three when it came to personal feelings.

Wrong to mistake the serenity in the countenance of the eldest for indifference, when on further examination he could clearly see the adoration in her eyes for his friend.

Wrong to mistake the exuberance of the youngest as unworthy of being noticed, when he now saw past the cheerfulness to the deep loneliness still present in her eyes.

And utterly wrong to superimpose his own interest in the middle sister as reciprocal, when there was only forced politeness masking her dislike before.

But not now. Now, more than the huge smile on her face, he could see how her eyes shone with love and relief and so many other emotions all at once. Could see the pleasure and delight and _oh God this is real and happening_ feeling threatening to overwhelm them both.

Now when their barriers were unguarded, did they discover their intense longing for physical contact, which had previously seemed so forbidden for fear of crossing the invisible line they thought the other hadn't wanted crossed.

Now in her arms he felt his emotions on a rollercoaster achieving such a high as he had never felt before, never wished to end, and he was almost afraid of being so jubilant in his love finally being returned.

Right here, right now, with the intoxicating feel of her in his arms, radiating as if she'd received everything she had ever wanted in life, he just wished they could pause this moment and stretch into forever.

He pushed her hair back from her glowing face with all the tenderness he felt. She smiled radiantly. They met halfway.

_So this is love._

_- To Be Continued -_


	8. Happiness

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 8: Happiness  
**

He was floating. He had thought this state fanciful before, but surely it was impossible to be this happy.

Even despite the many Bennet dinners filled with extremely embarrassing, loaded remarks, even with Lizzie's neighbours stopping him to chat whenever they went out in public, even with Ricky Collins' long and annoying interruption into their celebrations, he was able to bear these discomforts well, because she was with him.

It was a joy to know that he was now as important to her as her family were. He gloried in her company, enjoyed her refreshing candour and playfulness now unrestricted by the awkward tension previously thick between them, and fell in love with her a little more each time she met him with her animated eyes filled with love for him.

He was completely humbled by her love, and the adversity which brought them to where they were.

Sure, things weren't all going smooth sailing - she still had to find her place in the world, and he would probably still be working hellish hours at Pemberley after he returned, and without her lovely presence gracing its halls and corridors. But he understood her reasoning, and was prouder of her at daring to strike out on her own merits, at wanting to define herself in the scary new world, rather than merely settling for what she was being offered. Lizzie Bennet would never accept second-best, and it made her choosing to be with him all the more precious.

He was learning to laugh again, to smile and enjoy life again. Each time they met, no matter the circumstances or company, he cherished these precious moments with her, and learnt to see the world through her eyes.

It had only been two weeks, but it had been the best fortnight of his life. He could easily see her sharing his life the next five, ten, fifty years, forever. And his vision of the future had never seemed so rosy. Though he shared a grimace with Lizzie every time Mrs Bennet dug her wedding conversational claws into him, he was definitely looking forward to the day Mrs Bennet's dearest wish came true, for he couldn't find it in him to begrudge her convoluted plans if he wholly approved of its outcome.

It was a truth universally acknowledged that William Darcy did not love by halves. He was therefore ecstatic that his heart was finally safe in the keeping of the one who loved him equally in return.

_- To Be Continued -_


	9. Contentment

_**So This Is...  
**A Lizzie Bennet Diaries fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
Pairing: William x Lizzie  
_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Contentment  
**

While he would not wish his earlier heartbreak on anyone else, he would always look back to that fall, and thank his lucky stars that it happened sooner rather than later. If the strength of their relationship had never been tested, he was absolutely convinced that they would never have changed, or became the people who were now deserving of the happiness they were not aware they needed or wanted until they met each other for the first time, all masks removed, that winter at Pemberley.

Despite his aunt's scathing opinion that Lizzie was "just an itch he needed to scratch" when she first learnt of their relationship during that one-week anniversary dinner, and would "return to the right path" once he'd "gotten it out of his system", they didn't let that disapproval colour their relationship. They'd survived much worse than her disapprobation, and they were now stronger for it.

Far from growing out of the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship, time had only strengthened them both. As they grew apace both professionally and romantically, he was pleasantly surprised that life with Lizzie was never boring. She connected with him at all levels of his life, and constantly challenged and teased him and made him laugh. she completed his world just by loving him and him loving her in return.

They could spend an entire date "nerding out'', as Lydia would call it, and still find it enjoyable in being able to share their passions.

They could go to bed and do nothing but fall asleep with each other due to exhaustion, yet still feel as comforted and intimate with each other as when they made love.

They might be separated for weeks at a time due to the necessity of their businesses, travelling to meet investors or clients or to attend industry conferences, but they were never too busy to make time for each other, even if it was just a text goodnight.

They might occasionally get into arguments huge enough to leave them in a cold war, but they never left it unresolved for more than a day.

As he set about to gently kiss his girlfriend and lover awake, he marvelled at their good fortune in finding one another and making their relationship work. And he whispered in the light of dawn, "Let's get married, Lizzie" not because marriage was the logical next step in a relationship. Lizzie had already been the wife of his heart and his life since the moment they first kissed. Marriage would merely be the official announcement to the world of their eternal vow to each other.

_- Finis -_


End file.
